Hair Ball from Outer Space Read online

Unfortunately, Merle decided it was time to give himself a cat bath.

  “Wait a minute!” yelled Madam Greed. “Why is that human licking her own foot?”

  “Oh, that’s just Mertyle,” said Grampa. “She’s always lickin’ those feet. She’s got terrible foot fungus. I’d keep my distance if I were you.”

  “Seize those impostors!” yelled Greed. “There’s only one way to make sure they’re real grandmas. Give them the mayonnaise test!”

  To my horror, one of the women brought out a jar of mayonnaise.

  “Now, everyone knows that all grandmas can eat a spoonful of mayonnaise without flinching,” said Greed.

  Grampa got the first spoonful. “Um! Delicious,” he said.

  Jubal was next. “Thank you, ma’am. May I have another?” he said bravely.

  I was surprised that Merle scarfed down his spoonful of mayo. Of course, Merle has been known to eat the legs off of june bugs.

  Then came the moment I was dreading—my turn. In case you haven’t heard, I’d rather eat a fire-ant sandwich than eat mayonnaise.

  The glassy-eyed granny approached me with the quivering spoonful of that evil substance and shoved it in my mouth. It sat on my tongue for a second like a salty slug and then...

  I spit it everywhere! I couldn’t help it. The grannies were distracted by the shower of mayo, so I decided to make a run for it.

  “Come on, boys!” I screamed. “Let’s get out of here!”

  CHAPTER 11

  Extreme Earth Makeover

  Grampa held off the grannies with a hair dryer while we ran for it.

  “Back, you batty old biddies!” yelled Grampa. “Don’t make me whip out my curling iron!”

  We managed to escape the grannies by slipping into a storage room—or at least, we thought it was a storage room. We turned around to discover a giant globe of the earth and a bunch of blueprints.

  “Holy mackerel!” I said. “The aliens are planning to turn Earth into an enormous intergalactic country diner!”

  “Well, we could use another place to eat around here,” said Grampa.

  Just then, the grannies discovered where we were!

  “Look!” I yelled. “An unidentified alien tentacle is slipping under the door! Let’s escape through that window, quick!”

  We escaped the evil beauty parlor, ditched our disguises, and hid in an alley. We had lost our alien pursuers.

  “We’ve got to warn the rest of Gingham County about the alien attack,” I said.

  “But who’s gonna believe us?” asked Jubal.

  “We have evidence,” I said, pulling out a bottle of alien hair-product. “I managed to swipe this before we left.”

  “Good work, Wiley,” said Grampa. “Now, let’s go home and get out of these heels. My feet are killing me.”

  CHAPTER 12

  Alien Slime Is Fun

  The next day, we took the bottle to Nate Farkles for analysis.

  “Thanks for doing this on such short notice,” I told Nate.

  “No problem, boys,” said Nate. “This beats looking at dog slobber all day.”

  Nate slid a sample of the slimy goop under the microscope.

  “Wow!” said Nate. “This is some hair-product. It’s actually a living, growing life-form. Look at the way it absorbs and takes over these samples of hair. Plus, it cures dandruff and smells like fresh honeysuckle! What will they come up with next?”

  “Hey, look at this,” said Jubal. “When I hold the bottle under this ultraviolet light, it changes from Warm Sierra Rain Wash to Warm SierraBrainWash!”

  “Alien-brainwashed grannies,” I said. “We’ve got to warn the town. We’ll meet tonight at eight in the town hall. Spread the word!”

  CHAPTER 13

  Spreadin’ the Word

  So, that day, we let everyone know about our secret meeting. Jubal and I told the boys at soccer practice.

  Morbius told his fellow nerd brethren.

  Esther and Chavez informed the pooches down at the doggy spa.

  And Grampa let the boys down at the park know—actually, Grampa napped.

  CHAPTER 14

  Stay Calm!

  That night, everyone gathered at town hall. Mayor Maynott tried his best to calm the crowd.

  “Please, everyone remain calm!” said the mayor. “Wiley and Grampa have important information regarding the recent attacks by elderly women. Let’s give it up for Grampa! Woo! Woo! Woo!”

  “Everybody just relax! There is no reason to panic,” said Grampa. “By the way, an evil alien hairdresser has brainwashed the grandmas of Gingham County and they plan to attack and capture us tonight, right afterAmerica’s Top Supermodels. Then they’ll turn the earth into a giant country diner. We gathered this information last night when we went out at midnight dressed as old women.”

  “Yes, it’s true!” said a voice from the back of the auditorium.

  It was Madam Greed and her brainwashed grannies. “My real name is Madam Slorzog, and the citizens of my planet, Smorgasborg, are sick of fast-food joints. They want a new diner with down-home country cookin’. The grandmas of Gingham County are the best cooks in the business.”

  “Hey!” said Jubal. “It’s only eight o’clock. Weren’t you supposed to attack afterAmerica’s Top Supermodels?”

  “I’m TiVo-ing it as we speak,” said Madam Slorzog.

  “Wait a minute,” I said. “How did you know we were meeting here?”

  “Sorry, guys. It was me,” said Nate Farkles. “Shortly after you left my lab, the grannies showed up and gave me their special brain-washing hair treatment.”

  “I thought your hair looked different,” said Grampa. “So radiant and shiny. It’s a good look.”

  “But what do you plan to do with the rest of us?” asked little Amy Pennington.

  “We’ll probably be forced to work as dishwashers and busboys in their astro slophouse!” I said angrily.

  “Oh, it’s better than that,” said Madam Slorzog. “If you look closely at these cookbooks, we’ve crossed out all the meat and replaced it with humans!”

  “You mean... you’re gonna eat us?” asked Jubal.

  “Yes,” said Madame Slorzog. “It’s all part of our new ad campaign on planet Smorgasborg.’”

  “I’d like to take this opportunity to point out that I’m high in cholesterol and full of sharp bones that are easy to choke on,” said Grampa.

  CHAPTER 15

  Crouching Nerd, Hidden Oddball

  “Oh, no, you don’t!” yelled Morbius, who burst in with his fellow nerds. “If you want to eat the good citizens of Gingham County, you’re gonna have to deal with us first. I must warn you, we have mastered all thirty-six chambers of Shaolin!”

  “Oh, you silly boys,” said Madam Slorzog as the grannies brought out desserts, “why fight when you could enjoy some delicious pie and cupcakes instead?”

  “Wow! Cupcakes!” exclaimed Morbius as he and his fellow nerds went for the pastries.

  The pastries, of course, attacked the nerds with full force.

  “Aaarghh!” screamed Morbius. “Defeated by my own sweet tooth! Carry on without us, brothers and sisters! Never give up the fight!”

  “I thought nerds were supposed to be smart,” said Grampa.

  CHAPTER 16

  When Grammas Attack

  The attack had begun! Madam Slorzog marched her army of grannies through town, armed with their arsenal of remote-control pies, flying teapots, killer yarn balls, and other homemade weapons. A large mechanical claw captured fleeing citizens and plopped them into a big cage.

  “This is gonna be terrible for tourism!” yelled the mayor.

  But we decided to fight back. Jubal did a powerful roundhouse kick and shattered the attacking toxic teapots.

  Grampa made a delicious snack of the dive-bombing pies.

  Merle ripped the killer knittings to shreds with his razor-sharp cat claws.

  “It’s gonna take more than attacking appliances and killer crafts to defea
t us!” I yelled as I wrestled a voracious vacuum cleaner.

  CHAPTER 17

  Gee, Your Hair Looks Horrific!

  “If you say so!” said Madam Slorzog. “Now I’ll show you the awesome power of my Warm Sierra Brain Wash!”

  Then she said something in her native Smorgasborgian: “Clapto Sluggus Niptuk!”

  The grannies’ hairdos started to pulsate and grow to a gargantuan size!

  Then Gramma’s hair sprouted giant slimy tentacles. Cleta Van Snout’s hair sported a huge laser-shooting eyeball and Willie Mae Brown’s hair shot out bolts of electricity! All the old ladies had killer monster do’s!

  The monster hair was too much for us to deal with. The town was at the mercy of Gramma and her big-haired buddies.

  “Well, I guess this is it,” said Grampa. “Captured like wild animals, only to be served up in a cosmic cafeteria. I only hope they turn me into an attractive entrée with lots of gravy!”

  “Wait a minute!” I said. “I’ve got an idea. It’s time to fight hair with hair. Merle, I need one of your world-famous hair balls, quick!”

  Most people don’t know that Merle can sometimes hack up a hair ball on command. He can also juggle kitty-litter clumps and meow the alphabet.

  Merle snorted and wheezed, then leaned over and hacked up an impressive hair ball with extra mucus.

  I took the bottle of Warm Sierra Brain Wash and dumped all of it on the hair ball.

  Then I chanted, “Klapto Sluggis Niptoor something like that!”

  The hair ball began to grow and jiggle.

  Then it grew to an enormous size and came to life!

  Merle commanded his mutant hairy offspring to attack Madam Slorzog. The gloppy beast engulfed her in one swoop.

  “Yikes!” she yelped. “You may have captured me, but you still have my alien-grandma army to deal with!”

  “Just leave that to me, sister!” It was Leslie the hairdresser, and she was armed with mousse, hair gel, and super-hold hair spray. “Here ya go, people! Aim for their noggins! These ladies are about to have a bad hair day!”

  We used the hair gel, mousse, and hair spray to immobilize the wild hair monsters. Gramma’s hair tentacles froze up under the weight of the mega-hold hair spray.

  Cleta tried to zap us with her hair laser, but Leslie’s gem sweater was impervious to her dangerous beams. Leslie retaliated with a healthy dose of hair spray.

  With their big hair immobilized, the grannies were powerless. That’s when Grampa and Javier jumped in with the hair clippers.

  “Let’s get rid of those hair don’ts!” said Grampa as he sheared off the monstrous hair from Gramma and the gang.

  Without their alien-infested hair, the grannies snapped back to normal, and boy, were they mad about their shaved heads.

  “Sorry, ladies,” cried Madam Slorzog. “I was just following orders. The leader of Smorgasborg wants restaurant construction completed by next month. In fact, he’s arriving tomorrow morning to check my progress and he wants a taste test.”

  “If it’s a taste test he wants,” I declared, “then it’s a taste test he’ll get! Come on, everyone, we’re heading to the Gingham County Elementary lunchroom! I know just the lunch lady who can help us.”

  “Vera, the lunch lady?” asked Jubal. “Haven’t we had enough slime and suffering for one day?”

  CHAPTER 18

  Now We’re Cookin’

  We headed over to the school cafeteria, where Vera was already hard at work creating her next lunch atrocity

  “Vera, we need your help!” I yelled.

  “Wait a minute!” said Jubal. “Her hair is awfully big. How do we know she isn’t possessed by aliens?”

  “It’s okay, sweetie. This is a wig,” said Vera. “I lost my real hair in the Great Hot Wax Explosion of 1943.”

  “Vera,” I said. “No time for chitchat. You’ve gotta start cooking. We need five of your most disgust—I mean—delicious entrées by eight o’clock tomorrow morning. The fate of the planet is in your Crock-Pot!”

  In the morning, we all gathered in the backyard to await our interstellar guest.

  “I still don’t get it, Wiley,” said Grampa. “How is Vera’s cooking going to save our planet?”

  “It’s simple,” I said. “Vera’s cuisine is so disgusting that after just one taste, their alien leader will spontaneously throw up and then get as far away from Earth as possible!”

  CHAPTER 19

  Gross Encounters of the Lard Kind

  At eight o’clock sharp, a giant spaceship burst through the clouds and landed in front of us.

  A very large alien stepped out of the ship.

  “Ladies and Gentlemen,” said Madam Slorzog, “I present to you the president of planet Smorgasborg, award-winning author, and three-time Universal Ping-Pong champion, Mr. Slobba the Hut.”

  “Greetings,” said Slobba. “Where’s the grub?”

  “The last thing that boy needs is a new restaurant,” whispered Grampa.

  Slobba sat down for his meal and Vera quickly served up some grade-A gruel. Slobba sniffed the slop and then took a big bite. He swished it around in his mouth and then froze.

  He then began to go into convulsions! Fire shot out of his ears!

  “It’s okay, mister,” I said. “I’ve prepared a giant-size barf bag for you. I know how disgusting this meal must be for you.”

  “Disgusting?” Slobba yelled. “Why, this is the most scrumptious food I’ve ever tasted! It’s incredible! It’s stupendous! It's pretty darn good! Humans are delicioso!”

  It looked like my plan had backfired.

  Luckily, Vera stepped in. “Actually, there are no humans in my cooking. I use only the freshest ingredients from the local trash heap.”

  “Forget about the restaurant,” said Slobba. “I want you to come to Smorgasborg to be my personal royal chef!”

  “Well,” said Vera. “I guess I could use a vacation.”

  “Hot dog!” said Slobba as a welcoming committee of aliens came and grabbed Vera. “Let’s bounce!”

  So, our alien guests took off with Vera and headed back into space.

  “I'm gonna miss those Smorgasborgians,” said Grampa. “I guess we’ll never know what I’d taste like as a chicken-fried steak!”

  CHAPTER 20

  Hair Repair

  So that’s all there is. The kids in the school lunchroom took it pretty hard when they learned that Vera was gone. Actually, we threw a huge party.

  But the party was cut short when we found out Vera had been replaced by her twin sister, Grizzelda.

  Leslie gave Gramma and the other old ladies some fancy new do’s.

  And, soon, Gramma was back to her cranky self, but I must admit, we never looked at her casseroles the same way again.

  As for Merle’s giant hair ball—it joined the Dangling Brothers Traveling Circus and became their star attraction.

  Merle was so proud.

  Famous director George Mucus has just filmed the exciting movie version of our alien adventure, but something went wrong when we printed up the posters. That second one looks funky. Help us pick out the differences before we hang ’em at the local cineplex.

  The answers are on the next page. Anyone caught cheating will be doused with evil alien hair products!